Earlier today, Mike Cessario, a former Netflix creative director who worked on promotions for House of Cards and Narcos, took to social media to announce that his new endeavor raised $1.6 million.
And do you want to know what the endeavor is?
Straight Edge Water.
What the actual fuck is this nonsense?
Even in New York City, you can find water for the low low price of FREE at most bars and venues, and you’re telling me that this dude raised $1.6 just to slap it in a tall boy can six-pack and call it Liquid Death? With the tagline “Nothing’s better than water at murdering your thirst?”
Yeah, because it’s freaking W A T E R.
Writing this in a blind-rage (while sitting at a bar I’ll add), I have some questions: Who donated money to this? Who would actually BUY THIS? And why?
According to this here Business Insider article, big names from Dollar Shave Club, Twitter (ever heard of it?), and “perfect luggage” brand Away all willingly donated REAL MONEY OVER THE INTERNET toward Cessario’s cause.
Cessario himself, much like most boys we come across in our day to day lives, have a background playing in bands. In his case, those are punk and heavy metal bands, which you know, of course they are.
Listen, I totally get it. We’re living in a time where every news outlet left and right is quoting that “millenials are over drinking alcohol,” and sober bars and other healthier nightlife options are on the rise.
I myself have no qualms with an alcohol-free lifestyle. While I never claimed to be “straight-edge,” I went through my high school years in Michigan not drinking or partaking in drugs, and I had a good handful of friends and ex-boyfriends who were and still are, to this day, living the XXX life.
Even working in the bar scene as heavily as I do, I go through phases where I opt out of drinking, choosing sodas or just water in a cup at shows or bar outings.
Because newsflash: there’s nothing wrong with being and staying sober.
If anyone is telling you differently or making you feel less than because of not drinking, you’re better off also quitting that friendship.
But you’re telling me this money couldn’t be donated to an actual cause? Like Flint, Michigan, who since 2014, is still without accessible clean drinking water?
And what’s the science behind this water sitting in a can until consumption?
Show me the SCIENCE.
Maybe if his company Science Inc. chooses to do some good with whatever money they make with this, rather than just giving water an unneeded hard edge, my eyes might stop rolling backward.
No one could be this dumb to pay for such product… unless you’re THAT friend or co-worker who’s big on gag gifts and are also an asshole 99% of the time.
But to quote John Mulaney in his bit where people who drink don’t know how to treat people who don’t drink, “Would this be good for you? I know you don’t drink!” ;)